guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
