if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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