You're my little dorito
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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