Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
