Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
