My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
