I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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