My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His hands were made for my vagina.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize