i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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