Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
