Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
