My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
