Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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