Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
