do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
