I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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