I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
