i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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