She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
