I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
