I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
