Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
