i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
