I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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