Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
