im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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