Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
