just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
