whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
