enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize