Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
