Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
