I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
