Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hippo gnu deer
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
