The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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