My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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