I want to make a zoo with you.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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