Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize