It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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