I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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