How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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