I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
