Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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