Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
