foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
