I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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