I think i sorta joined a cult last night
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
