Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
