the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Shame is for Republicans.
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