i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
