I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
