I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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