Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
