:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
