you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize