he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
